the world keeps changing.

I am sick of feeling like I am getting left behind.
The life of a mom.

I have one job, raise a baby, but why does that feel like its not enough? Because i wake up and throught my day i do a whole lot more than just tend to every need of a new human being. i have my own needs, i have my partners needs, i have my horses needs(ya i have more than one dependant) as irroically i am falling into dependance to my partner.

It’s this pyramid or who relys on who. At the bottom, most important of course is the financial earner. Whos making the money matters the most. they get the respect from others, they have the loudest say. “Can i speak to your husband? Fucking assuming he is the only one bringing the value to the table.. In that moment I rememmber that all my saving are gone, that my steady income is no more, that my role is to stay here and keep Tanner alive and happy. And oh boy do i give her my life…. every minute she is in my head, every fuss i am curing with the list of tactics and remedys unitl i find the right one.

I dread my bank account, I dread trying to do it all. I dread it all so much sometimes I hide from it for a short while. During nap time i find myself lost in my phone, hoping that somehow i find the inspiration to take yet another jab forward towardds making money from my kitchen table.

How am i suppoed to be a leader in my space. How am i supposed to show up with value when i truly find myself feeling valueless. It’s a sad spiral down until i slowly pick myself back up. Damn is it ever a lonely struggle. One no one really sees, maybe my baby but shes a baby, she doesnt know yet.

But somehow i ponder, tanner probably knows more than me, she is living a present and content life. She dont need much, just love. I want to be more like her.

Instead I wake up ready for combat every day, one eye half open, hair greasy and i am here, ready to win over myself for yet another day.. hopefully. I hope i win this day, i hope i feel ok, i hope i can rest well feeling valued and whole and myself.

Who am i even. I was Shelby, sure i had my inner struggles but i slayed those mother fuckers every damn day. I was vibrant! I was vibrating high! i was on top of some sort of mountain looking forward at all the amamzing shit i was going to accomplish. Cool, maybe my dad would finally see me than more then a ditsy girl that relyied on everyone else bt herself. Maybe i would earn the respect from… maybe i would finally prove my financial worth to those who value the material life. maybe just maybe i could be free and would stop to always be trying.

From that girl to this girl

I got in an exciting relationship with someone i knew for 4 years prior. Someone who i knew would take care of me…. damn it. was that a default? Or did i choose him because he cared about me, seemingly more then he cared about being silly, looking desperate, and trying to win me over again and again and again.

He did it though. He grew up a lot, from the 21 year old country mouse I met on our first encounter. 4 years had gone by, a lot of life expereince and that little desperate, needy boy became a man. He knew his worth, he knew mine, and he would tell me that lots back then.

Shortly after we, I mean, I decided to give it another shot, we were living together. Max was always open to me, he stayed open and waitied so patiently. Although he confessed later on that he assumed all hope was lost, but somehow his world kept tangling itself into mine. He was alwasy on the radar, sometimes in the corner but none the less, still there.

One day I seen him different, i said “i dont want anyone to have that man, i want him!” boom, done deal. We are living together, surprise! Fear was then pushed on me, “are you sure you want to move this fast? Maybe leave your bed at your moms just in case you want to go back home.”

hell.no. I dove in head first. We unknowingly waited 4 years for our moment to be together; fully and invested. Well not long after that i realized my unpredictable period never showed up for a month. not unusual but also, unusual. I realized i should proably take a test, just in case. For the first time ever, that test came back positive. oh baby. oh baby is right!

My life, would forever be changed. for better, or for worse..somedays.