I hope you know that being invited out as a mom is a boost to my soul. 
Im home most days, and the days repeat almost the same. I feel myself falling into this weird dark place I’ve never been to before. It’s stagnate down here, its dark and sucks the life out of me. My energy is gone and I know what I could do to help but I don’t have the desire to change right now. So here I sit, at home with this beautiful gift of a baby girl. Oh how much I love her.

Then one different day, the phone vibrates. It’s a friend I love who I haven’t seen in a while. He invites me to a market and a relaxing visit at one of my friend’s apartment for the evening. First thing in the morning I get this message, my day is planned, I am ready to go out!

My heart which was once collapsed by disconnection, was filled for the day with excitement, bonding and sharing beautiful experiences with fellow souls. It felt fucking good. It felt so needed.

That night during the quiet drive home with my baby girl sleeping in the back I was reminiscing on the day and how good it felt. Tomorrow will be different I thought. For the morning it was until I found myself back in my structure of reality. My apartment was how I left it, my clothes still piled high and the kitchen less than clean. The weather blowing cold air and snow as im on the third floor and watching it happening outside.

By noon I hardly have the energy to breath.

Time keeps ticking. I lay my girl back down for a nap hoping she’d fall asleep fast so I could also doze off in the hope that more sleep would give me the energy I needed to bounce back to the person I was before. The one who was optimistic, who felt connected to who she was, who was a generator of energy.

My eyes beam open after 30 minutes of laying there in a daze. My chest is heavy, my mouth is dry and I wonder if I should just let myself stay in this low level of life for the rest of my life. Dehydrated and tired.

I could give up entirely. Let this day or this morning dictate the rest of my day and the rest of my life.

But there is a gleam of light I see down the tunnel. In my evenings, I go to the barn.

I dont feel like it now, hell no I dont. I cant imagine changing out of my JPS I wore all day and getting me and my baby dressed to go drive out of town to where my horses reside.

But I know, no matte how I feel, the second I step out of the house and head to the barn my energy will magically shift. Even if it is just for those few hours I spend out there, I will feel free and alive and full.. full of what? I dont know, just satisfied and content with purpose and enjoyment.

That is my escape, or better yet that is what is real in my life. It gives me a sense of self that hits me so hard that no matter how much I drag my feet it always boosts me up and propels my sprit to a place of peace and happiness.

I love my life, I do. But this chapter, the chapter where I live in an apartment in town with a baby, with a partner who, bless his heart, works hard to provide for us while we’re here. I want to do more, to be better to produce more. I wonder if that’s me who thinks that or if that’s society that tries to make me feel like what im doing isn’t enough.. I mean it mostly never feels like it’s enough anyways.

On those days especially, when I go to the barn and take care of my horses and ride and clean pens and breathe the outside air; I know even if this is the bare minimum I do, it is still enough for me right now.

I am thankful for the barn, for the horses that push me outside and push me to grow in all the ways possible. Without them I am afraid of who I would be.. would I surrender to this sad heavy feeling and would that just become my forever?

I dont know, but, I know with them, I always have something that pushed me out of my slump and gives me a reason to feel alive, even if only for a few hours.