We’re home.

It’s been over a month since we left the hospital and are living life now, as a family of three.

It’s interesting how when things are going well, we don’t typically have a lot to say. But, when things are going “bad” we can talk and talk all about it. I felt that when Tanner was in the hospital, as beautiful as life with her was, the slow burn of her growing and graduating the hospital was one I could talk about. Was it a rant? Maybe I was ranting. Now that things are smooth sailing, relatively smooth sailing I am finding myself more in the moment and not feeling that need to share it because well, its good.

Really good.

I’m a stay at home mom who is finally home!

Of course there is the typical baby things that happen. Middle of the night feedings, issues with milk supply, breastfeeding, getting peed on, the seemingly endless snuggles, oh and the projectile vomiting. It’s a whirlwind.

But its our whirlwind and I am focusing on embracing every small moment as fleeting as they come and go.

Little T is already out of her newborn onesies that she swam in only a few months ago. She can hold her head pretty good, with a few loose bobbles and eventually plopping it back down on my chest. She is able to stare at objects or into your eyes. Before she has a little bit of googley eyes unsure how or what to focus on and ended up pointing in two different directions. We’re evolving!

All these things bring a feeling unfelt before her.

I’m enjoying sharing my world with her and I am eager to keep growing it together. I realize and look at time in a different way now. Instead of 5 years being 5 years for me, I now see 5 years how it will be for her. I have this new found sense of clarity around time, realizing it’s speed at how fast things can change and happen. Before time was a blur but now, Tanner wiped it clean, making me see exactly who I want to become and what I want to do now that I have her in my life.

Motherhood and parenthood is an incredible special role. I always knew children loved their parents and wanted their love, approval, acceptance, support, the list can go on. I have only ever been a child but I am role reversing now that I am a mom. For some reason I never realized that major component to this new role.

It’s a new found responsibility to give this little beansprout as I call her, the best I can give. Our children are relying on us and I have never been in that position before. It’s empowering to know that I am that person for someone else. The way I value my relationship with my parents, by default almost, she also will feel that way about me and Max. What an amazing full circle moment.

But, since we’ve been home and the dust has settled, literally all over because who has time for that?! Life has been good and steady. I am back riding, just one horse which is plenty for me. We have a new baby horse too which is so cute and fun to imagine the future with that as well. We are planning more and more for the future we envision and are working towards that. Even if my role in some ways has slowed down, I am reminding myself that giving up certain things to make space for me and Tanner is ultimately the most important power I can own. And I plan on always owning motherhood 100%. I will have my time when I can start pursing my projects again but for now the best way I can support the family is to support our baby girl.

I catch myself rushing sometimes, the feeling of I should be doing more, I should be able to work on my business, I should be able to make time for…. It doesn’t matter right now. This is a gift I am given, I have a supportive partner who is providing in his way, a beautiful healthy baby girl I can nurture on the daily and my ability to connect with all these amazing, supportive people I have in my life.

The amount of support and people coming up to me after reading the story makes my heart feel so full. I am honoured you decided to jump into my world for a short while and read my words and most of all, to feel the feelings with me.

We are truly on this ride together and although sometimes I feel time passing by too fast or I am late, or behind or whatever it is to feel like time is running out, living in the now is what live is all about. So thank you all who are here. Thank you for thinking of us, and thank you for being a part of my story.

\to always be continued..