The past few days have been a lot.

I think the initial adrenaline has come down and the new schedule is catching up to me. Its like now i realize the reality of what I am doing and what is now required of me, and the duration I am required to do so. The pumping every 2 – 3ish hours, sometimes 4 I feel the tiredness that comes with the feeding schedule of a baby.

But the thing that gets me is I am doing the feeding but I am also not. I am feeding from afar and it reminds me of getting a tummy ache from the cake I didn’t actually eat. I have the “cons” if you will of life with a newborn without the “pros” of looking into my babies eyes at any time I want. Or the cuddles I can have anytime I want. Or the ability to simply watch my daughter and explore life together, in the real world. For now, we have at least 4 weeks ahead of us until those moments can become a reality, and after one and a half weeks so far, I can tell you that I am ready for those moments to come.

the lack of sleep needs to be compensated by the time you get to enjoy and embrace your new life together, however in the preterm life, we must wait. That is getting tiring for me, both emotionally and physically.

The past few days there has been a few adjustments, which are good and I am happy our girl is making progress, although tough for her mom and dad somedays.

Tanner has officially graduated the level 3 care at McMaster. She got transported to another local hospital where she will likely stay until she’s ready to come home. that phone call 3 days ago was a surprise when they told me where she was going. Its the instant wave of no control that came over me when the said a hospital name that I didn’t know of. “Is best for our girl? Do I like this news” I wondered. But it didnt matter what I thought, the transfer was in progress and sh was going that day.

During the first day I quickly I learnt the difference between level 3 and level 2 hospitals. I didn’t know what I expected but level 2 is definitely less intense. Which made me worried about how she was getting looked after. Of course any adjustment of care is enough to cause concern but after some time I realized my role in all of this; to be her mom.

I realized I need to be strong for my daughter.

I need to be able to ask questions.

I need to be her advocate.

and I need to have the strength to intervene and do my part as her mom and the one that will do always what is best for her, even if it requires me to dig deep into parts of myself that I haven’t yet to discover.

But I learnt quickly that is part of my new motherhood role.

That is a hard adjustment for me that I think in time my momma bear protection will come out more fully, but for now it is coming in small pieces. That is why support is so important. I needed the strength from my family to help me through those first few days.

I feel better being able to ask questions, raise concerns and just simply be there for Tanner. I will say “I will put her back.” When I want be the one to place her back in her little incubator. or even just a question of “why is that like that?” honestly, its not that I don’t trust them, I just need the clarification for the peace of mind that helps me feel at ease leaving her for the night. peace of mind is hard, there are still so many variables involved so finding any bit of it helps.

I go to see Tanner alone every morning for a cuddle while she eats. Because of her sensitive tummy, they had her feedings extended to an hour long. I hold her for 1.5 hours, change her diaper, tuck her back in her temporary home and let her sleep. At first, I could’t do that alone, call it what you will but I just didnt feel the strength inside of me to care for her while also working with the nurses. they have their ways and I have mine. I know they know what they’re doing but I am still her mom and I am there to be her voice. That voice is getting louder and louder as they days go on, but it will take time for me. as someone who doesn’t have the strongest back bone, I know it will take time.

I think when you care more about someone, the worry and the stress of over stepping boundaries fades away. Like I care more about my daughters comfort and care then I do about being quiet and “polite”. I care more about her then I do to ask maybe awkward questions and voice my concerns about something. I don’t care if I am the overprotective mom, I dont care if I am labelled a certain way. I just care about my child and ensuring she is properly looked after. That is my new job and I am feeling that more and more everyday. It is ok to take up space and be involved as a parent. I feel it is encouraged and those who respect that will appreciate your efforts to put your baby first. In the NICU, there is really no such thing as bad questions. As long as you are there for your babies and doing your best, you are doing good momma.

with that being said, today Tanner is officially 32 weeks old. With her “birth week” they are starting to think about taking that breathing contraption off her poor little nose. the cpap is important, I dont want them to rush the removal, but I will be so happy to see the day she can look more like herself without anything attached to her face. Here is to little baby milestones.

She is also now on full fortified milk, meaning they have added more calories and nutrients into my milk. they held off because of her sensitive tummy but they feel now she is ready to handle her full dose. She gained 50g in the past 2 days, now weighing 1600 which is close to her birth weight of 1700. Loosing weight is normal considering the traumatic entrance into life so its nice to see her climbing back up to almost birth weight.

Now moving forward, it is the long stretch of growing and slowly getting her ready for the real world. I know her mom and dad are both eager for that day. But for now, we are taking it day by day, pumping session by pumping session. I swear I am attached to that machine!! But we will look back in hindsight and feel it has gone by so fast, like much of life does.

do we have bad days? yes. But the joy she already brings us exceeds any struggle or obstacle we face. that is the joy of a new chapter, the excitement, the possibilities and the anticipation of “what will come from all of this” We are excited to find that out, day by day.

Life is lived now, and although challenging, I know the cake will taste so good when it comes my way.

Here is to the baby steps forward.

Ps. to support the story and the sharing of our story, we would accept the universal gift of $$ as your baby gift to us. We appreciate the support of our story and also me sharing the story, which I plan on continuing throughout the process.

To send a gift of support use PayPal: shelbschlager@gmail.com or etransfer: sdd_94@hotmail.com

Thank you and see you guys in the next chapter.

Love

Shelby