Having a baby is overwhelming. Going through the preterm baby life is overwhelming. I think no matter which way you cut the cord(had to make a baby joke) motherhood is all emotionally very over whelming, in so many beautiful, scary, exciting, worrying and all the ways possible. We all moms feel it. i know these last 6 months planning my future and the last 5 days living the unplanned future i have had my fair share of emotional turbulence.

For reasons i cant fully explain; is it good? is it bad? neither. It just is a lot of something and that something makes me overflow and there is no where for it to go expect through my eyes.. I feel the presence of some force inside of me, maybe it has taken time to develop, but now it is raging and to be honest, i like it. feeling feelings feels good.

The feeling of so many feelings. Im not necessarily worried about the outcome with little Tanner, she is doing great and in time this will all be in the past. I am eager for those days but right now i am not doubting those days wont come. I believe in the process, i have faith that where we all are is where we are meant to be. I know that to be true because as a bystander of my own life, i can say how life has unfolded cannot be chance. everything is working..

From meeting my partner Max, the story alone on that one is something i feel is so special.. who knows maybe one day i will share that story too! maybe im biased but i think its beautiful how two people, both innocently enough going through life found each other. not once but 3 times. We always found our way back to one another with no plans but and now we are here, creating a future that i am so excited and happy to experience.

That is where some of the tears come from. The idea of my life with him makes my heart swell. i love it and i want to keep it forever, although i am aware that in this lifeform, forever has an expiry date. But, that means i get to cherish our present moments together and create the memories that will live on forever in our spirits. This pregnancy and this early delivery and everything after this is all of the same memories we created and get to keep together forever, no matter the future. For that, i cry..sometimes.

It goes for all my family and friends in my world. i feel the support so much and all the love flowing all around us all. its a beautiful feeling and i wish everyone on earth can experience the raw emotions that this kind of love and relationships can bring to someone.

I was told that when i have a baby, nothing would compare to the love i would feel. Although i will admit that it has taken some time for that real motherly love to flourish, i cant choose to compare it with any other love i’ve felt, specifically with Max. The experience we are going through has only strengthened us. for that i might cry..

we are in it together. Today we went to see Tanner for 9 am feeding. She eats every 3 hours and if you are there before she is fed, she can get fed while on you, you just have to be there before. So we show up at 8:30 to enjoy some cuddles while she is fed. The process of the syringe slowing getting pumped into the cord that then flows into her belly takes 1 hour now. The past to mornings, Max has held her. I dont feel the need to be protective as i know he want to be the best dad as much as me and Tanner want him to be our man who takes care of his girls. i love seeing it and although it doesnt feel as good as when i am holding her, it feels so good in other ways which are also just as important. I am the mom but i am not the only one in this ring of life. It makes it easy to share and to allow both of us equally to be a part of our new chapter.

i feel so lucky and i hope that new moms all could feel that way, although i know that isnt the case. But a new life on earth does bring up new love that we all can soak up into our own being and use to then share to others.

There is no doubt that a new life brings everyone together, i have experienced it first hand. From the hospitals and staff who are all there for us, from the supportive volunteers who are all here to help, to the words each and everyone has given me. words are powerful in my world and the words ive received have given me extra force to keep my chin high to feel so thankful and given me faith in my path that there is no room for worry. For that, i cry and i also am just so forever thankful to each of the souls who are contributing to our happy ending.

To be continued…