woah, a lot has happened. currently as i write it is day 3 and i feel so much has happened its hard to keep track. From the consultations, to setting up camp which we will get to later, and now we are more and more settled in and i am doing my best to go easy.. but easier said then done.

(ps forwarding, i am writing this real time. i dont care, if you dont care about punctuation, grammar and spelling) just read between the lines, i am not writing a final edit, cause in life anyways when is there ever a final edit?!! This is life, just enjoy the mistakes, the windy turns that untimately lead you EXACTLY where you are meant to.

This story is to share the unfolding of a beautiful life, no — lives. of all lives. It is a magical hidden unfolding that we dont always see or know or think is “good for us”. But this story is that story. it is good. the timing is godlike. enjoy it for what it is.

This is my story and my hidden thoughts as i undergo this ride of a preterm delivery and the things this is bringing forward for me — i share it with you, Here.

The last to days i was released from the hospital, i held my baby girl for the first time and Max held her too.

Back 2 days now, when Tanner made the entrance into life i felt very disconnected. I wasn’t a part of her journey to the nicu where she will be living the next few months. I was doing my thing, she was over there, doing hers. I knew she was in the best care so apart of me gave up the reins to the professionals to handle her.

It wasnt until finally, i was able to hold her that my thoughts changed on that. I realized i am the only person who can give her what she truely needs to trive. Which is my love, my touch, my voice, my comfort, oh and my milk!

My mom and Max came to the hospital after my one and only sleep over. By the time they were there i already had my over 1 hour lactative consultant, many other checks and requirements but overall i was good to go. We wheeled over, me in a wheelchair still, to see tanner together. The size of her frail little being made me scared to move her and disturb her peace. But we were also told what i had already thought, touching from her mother and father is what she also requires just as much as her gear all wrapped around her.

It was me and mom who experienced her for the first time together and it was beautiful. I laid back in the chair, as tanner was placed on top of my bare chest and we covered both of us up. She sunk into me. As i write i have only held her the one time and i am missing it so much. Today i am going back and we will do a full cuddle time which is around and hour of holding.

Me and my mom sat there for a while. i feel very fortunate to be able to experience that with her; our three generations sitting there. The future we will all have together could make me cry anytime i think of it. At the moment, it definitely made both of us tear up. its hard to describe the emotions but to me it is similar to finding out i as having a girl.. not like that helps paint the picture for you, but it was an overjoy of just love and excitement and well, LOVE.

After she left, max came in and we got to experience the whole thing together as well. Our girl, id say.

As the day went on, i was packing up to leave the hospital with max. We had a lot to take and also one last stop before we headed out for a night back at our home, which a cute little apartment in my hometown. Before we left, we collected my stored milk, which isnt a whole lot on the second day and we went to make a special delivery over to Tanners fridge.

The last goodbye for our first night a part was hard. Driving home i felt the emptiness. i used to know that when me and max would laugh, or talk, or anything that she was there, in the experience with us. If there was a moment i was laughing so hard, i could see her bouncing around and maybe smiling too. but not anymore, we were disconnected. she was there, unable to be aware of the love and the laughter and joy shared between her mom and her dad.

however the challenges, they were also very natural. I explained it to packing for a flight and a trip somewhere. usually i am triple checking my things, because i am doubting my ability to make sure its all there.. it 99% of the time is good and i have all that i need to make it through, but that doubt and that checking and making sure i didnt forget anything has never happened in this new territory were walking on.

i feel so incredibly capable to do my role. Maybe it took a few hours to get there and to feel connected to our little one. But now, i know my job and i am here to do it.

however, i felt i could do it best if i was closer to Tanner. Which is where i write this, at the RM house, across the road from the hospital.

We checked in yesterday, after the first night back home i knew did not want to be over 35 minutes from her.

Yesterday was hectic. It was the first day that i was home, that we were going to come to the hospital and once we got here it was a full day of activities. Its just the nature of the circumstances right now but it was a long day. My mom called me worried. Shelby dont overdo it. I explained that i was really trying not to, it was just the travel, the picking up a few things i needed, like a portable breast pump and a few other baby r us purchases.

“The blogging, i know you want to do it but…” yes, i will pace myself with this. But i wanted to make sure to mention that writing is my self care. it is apart of my process of living and experiencing live. I had a “talk to god moment” as i was waiting by the car to go for our first night home. I call it a “talk to God” but it could be described as you get a thought that you really ponder. It tells you to do something, or its an idea.. I think its more of an idea. when i told Max i said your was “move to Canada” which was over 4 years ago and he listened to that hunch, and here we are.

But for me, as i was waiting, looking around and just being in the moment i had the thoughts come in. They were “this is the story. this is a story to share. The story has been given to you. Share it”

And i accepted that request from whatever you choose to call it.

Things have happened very smoothly for us and i am so thankful for that. We are stepping into our new roles and we are handling life as it shows up and redirects us.

Right now we are on day 3. My brother flew in last night and we got to introduce him to his new and first little niece. i slept good even with the 2.5–3 hour pumping intervals. but knowing right now my baby girl is across the road is a releif. no driving in january on the highways. We are here, we are close and everyday we will be one step closer to our next chapter with her.

however those chapters unfold i am here for it. I love life.

Ps. As we are likely to cancel the baby shower and the registry since the things on that list really aren’t that relevant in this moment, I think if anyone would like to offer the universal gift of $$ we would accept that instead of baby gifts. It would be your baby gift and we would be so appreciate of the support of our story and also me sharing the story, which I plan on continuing throughout the process.

To send a gift of support use PayPal (shelbschlager@gmail.com) or etransfer (sdd_94@hotmail.com)

Thank you and see you guys in the next chapter.

Love

Shelby