Can this really be happening? I thought as i stared straight out the back window of the lovely ambulance. it was a snow storm too, i was thinking man, i hope these guys are good drivers and the tired are able to handle the turns and passing of parked cars on the side of the road i could see as we were passed them.

(ps forwarding, i am writing this real time. i dont care, if you dont care about punctuation, grammar and spelling) just read between the lines, i am not writing a final edit, cause in life anyways when is there ever a final edit?!! This is life, just enjoy the mistakes, the windy turns that untimately lead you EXACTLY where you are meant to.

This story is to share the unfolding of a beautiful life, no — lives. of all lives. It is a magical hidden unfolding that we dont always see or know or think is “good for us”. But this story is that story. it is good. the timing is godlike. enjoy it for what it is.

This is my story and my hidden thoughts as i undergo this ride of a preterm delivery and the things this is bringing forward for me — i share it with you, Here.

Its me, i am not that one in the car. It was unusual, luckly for me that being in a ambulance is unusual but nontheless, i could feel the feeling of others in that back area seeing the same things i was. The feleing of helplessness. The feeling of giving up control. The feeling of, well i am in this rollercoaster ride, i guess now i just keep my hands and legs in and go fo the ride. Which was easy to do because i was literally strapped in that bed.

They were stressed i could tell, they did not want to deliver a preme baby mid drive or even while entering the hopsital. I could understand but i wsa pretty sure that wouldn’t be the case. However i didnt anticipate my water breaking so honestly, what do i really know anyways?!

When i seen max, my wide eyes and worried looking partner standing outside the ambulance doors as they opened it i could tell he was trying to tell me though his eyes “stay calm. you’re ok”. He tried but i knew he was internally freaking out too.

Why?

Id say it was the whirlwind of all of a sudden. All of a sudden everything happened. How do you process lif when it just happens so quickly? i guess the answer is that, you just do. You give up the control. You accept where you are and you know, its going ot happen how its going to and no matter how i feel about it, that is irrelevant so my as well try to relax and ride the wave. The wave of contractions and the wave of life happening all of a sudden.

The room i was in filled quite rapidly as monitors were being attached, legs spread open and verdicts being made. That moment is when the tears escaped and the shaking begun. Through feeling my first real contractions to the realization and release of my control over the situation. I just still could not believe i was in that position, literally and metaphorically.

After some time, nothing changed for me. I was stable, things were steady. I was 4cm dilated. Then hours later i was still 4.5 ish cm dialated.. so i just feel contractions all night and then all day and its like a horrible monster period and thats what i need to do?

Well, no.

“you can take an epidural if youd like anytime.” the nurse told me.

that was a light that turned on in my head. I was like, i thought you only do that when you cant bear it anymore? when its the final stage and you get the jab in the back?

But no.

She said everyone is different. You can do whatever you like.

I thought about it for a bit. As 3 minute long contractions would be followed by 1 or 2“smaller” “less intense” 2 minute contractions. i wondered, wow, there is relief from this pain, how magical!

a small backstory.

i have had big issues with my period that totally laid me out sideways. i would loved an epidoral then but i was forced to take whatever pain meds i could get and try to breath though the labour liek pain. no kidding, i thought if i can do this then labour must be the same.

Actually no.

Labor was easier.

Because of the magic of medicine and the epidural.

I never claimed to be a woman who wanted to experience a natural birth. I never was feeling my womanhood lays in the fact that if I take pain relief or not for delivering a human into the world. it took maybe another 20 minutes after the initial talk of pain relief was brought up before i was hugged over a pillow getting the “ok a little sting now” happened.

Ps. they hurt! and i am glad i didnt really know what it looked like or else my mind may have made it worse.

honestly another takeaway from all this is to be perfectly unprepared. I was prepared enough, i was there and thats all i needed to really “be prepared”. No hospital bag like the videos, no birth plan (lollll) and no prep really that i planned on doing. But how it worked out was perfectly. I even did yoga the day before this because i was juts trying to ease the discomfort. Little did i know i was doing yoga through early labor. See? Unplanned(on my end) yet still perfect.

So back to the back.

the pain was finally gone. The relief was amazing and i was loving some time to breath, relax and just quiet down. After all, i was awake most of the previous night so rest felt really nice. I didnt know what was going to happen to me and the delivery at that moment but i knew i didnt want to be exhausted and over the edge with pain that my emotions were dried out and i was done.. before i was actually done.

So hours went by. Max left to get some things such as food, for whenever i was allowed to eat, some clothes, a pillow and so on.

No changed to the dilated size down there of maybe 5cm.

Talk was brought up about if things dont change but baby is getting stressed we may have to get her out sooner then your body says. AKA a c section. I mean at that point i was under their care and trusted them fully, “do whatever you need to do.”

But, my body maybe didnt like the idea. it was around 7 pm and the nurse ws now hovering over my belly with the baby heart monitor and my contraction monitor. She had asked here and there if i felt pressure. Every time was no, my legs are numb and jello, i dont feel anything.

But then i did. i think i did. I told her i feel something different now. i feel some pressure. She asked “do you feel the need to push?” I didnt know… I said well, maybe more then i ever have yet, so maybe yes? Maybe? i cant tell.

Anyways, luckily she code redded the message and we got a full team in there. Max left to get a water refil and by the time he was back the room was filled and her heard “she feels the need topush” like talk about 0 to 100, or 4cm to fully dilated!!

By 7:36 she was born.

Someone asked her name, and thorught the day as others asked us a name we didnt syay it out looud but we both said ya i think we have a name.

When the nurse would leave, i asked Max “what name came to your head?”

He said Tanner, and i smiled and nodded “me too.”

So 7:36 our sad looking little Tanner Marlene came into full existence. She was here.

but as soon as she came, she had to go. I knew that and knew she needed the care. i let go of my mother instincts and trusted the medical team, again they were amazing!!

it was a long night. But by 1:30 i was laying down in my room, everyone had gone home and i was able to breath and process the events that day.

I scrolled through a few pictures Max took of Tanner in her little stabilizing room and sadly, didnt feel much connection. Which i feel makes perfect sense. I gave myself some grace, wrote a few things in my notes9whihc i shared on social already) and went to sleep.

Time for the first full day of life!

( i thought i could write up to this day, which has been now, two days since my water broke. i will continue to write this out as the days go on.. Please follow as i share the process moving forward of the next few months of having a baby in neonatal intensive care unit.

Ps. As we are likely to cancel the baby shower and the registry since the things on that list really aren’t that relevant in this moment, I think if anyone would like to offer the universal gift of $$ we would accept that instead of baby gifts. It would be your baby gift and we would be so appreciate of the support of our story and also me sharing the story, which I plan on continuing everyday.

To send a gift of support use PayPal (shelbschlager@gmail.com) or etransfer (sdd_94@hotmail.com)

Thank you and see you guys in the next chapter.

Love

Shelby